11 Dating Questions to Ask Before You Commit

By Alice Boyes, PhD. | Uncategorized

1. Do you ever have a hard time accepting No when you want something?

Rationale: Is s/he entitled, disrespectful or needy?

2. If you weren’t doing the job you’re doing now, what would you like to do?

Rationale: Does s/he have any big plans for dramatic life changes you don’t know about?

3. Do you ever lose control of your actions?

Rationale: Is s/he erratic, dysregulated or impulsive-in-a-bad-way?

4. Do you feel confident about your ability to solve everyday problems that come up?

Rationale: Is the person excessively dependent, needy, or incompetent, or does s/he perceive themselves that way?

5. Do you have a hard time trusting people?

Rationale: Does the person have a hostility bias? i.e., they think others are attacking them when in fact they are not.

6. Do you ever have a sense of being a failure as a person?

Rationale: Does s/he have low self-esteem?

7. How well do you get on with your Mom and Dad? Did your parents meet your emotional needs?

Rationale: Attachment style shows a degree of continuity from childhood to adulthood. If someone was securely attached to their primary caregiver, they’re more likely to have a secure attachment style now (i.e., they’re not too needy or too distant).

8. What are some examples of when you’ve persisted and succeeded at a long term goal?

Rationale: Does s/he have grit (which is important for success)? Can s/he delay gratification?

9. Is your pot smoking/binge drinking just a being young thing for you or can you imagine wanting to do it your whole life?

Rationale: Hopefully obvious!


10. Are you able to admit when you’ve made a mistake or when your own actions might’ve contributed to a problem?

Rationale: When you fight, is s/he going to fight nice? Is s/he going to be good at repairing your bond after you’ve had an argument?

11. Do you know when you’re feeling hurt, lonely, sad, ashamed/embarrassed etc?

Rationale: Does the person have emotional self-awareness? Without emotional self-awareness, people can’t easily communicate when they need caring, and that tends to cause problems in relationships.

Feeling pretty happy with the answers? To make an awesome relationship even better, these are great resources for giving your relationship a tune-up.

Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner’s Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert

ACT with Love: Stop Struggling, Reconcile Differences, and Strengthen Your Relationship with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Note: Of course there are other important dating questions related to finances, children etc but I wanted to make a list of psychology-related dating questions.

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