This article is about one of the therapy strategies I find works really well. It’s designed for depression treatment, but really its useful for anyone.
I’m going to explain the strategy using an example from a book called Depression in Context, which is a manual for therapists.
It’s an awesome book that I think every psychology PhD should have as part of their library. There is also a client manual, which I haven’t used. (Links at the bottom of this article).
Example:
Imagine the following scenario of two colleagues at work:
Depressed person: “Want to grab some lunch?”
Colleague: “I think I’ll keep working”
Depressed person’s external response: Walks away quickly.
Depressed person’s internal response: Feels foolish, anxious. Ruminates (ruminates = does excessive negatively-toned thinking).
Imagine that the depressed person asking his colleague to lunch was aimed at a bigger goal of enhancing his relationships with his work colleagues.
You can see that his response of taking the rejection to heart and thinking a lot about it makes him feel crappy about himself, doesn’t help achieve his goal, and might decrease the chances of him make friendly approaches to colleagues in the future (further diminishing the likelihood of him achieving his goal).
So, what might an alternative coping response have been?
The key here is that instead of trying to figure out the causes of the other person’s behaviour (e.g., thinking “Does she hate me? Did I do something to make her not like me? Is she just a b****?”), the depressed person can choose to respond based on which of the responses available to him in that particular moment is best going to help them accomplish his goal. This latter point is super important.
For example, an alternative “anti-depressive” coping response might have been for the depressed person to say in a open tone of voice “I’ve noticed you’ve been working hard on the Phillips proposal. I bet the boss is going to be really pleased with it.” Or whatever he thinks might go furtherest in enhancing his relationship with the colleague in the situation they were in, in that particular moment. The depressed person’s tone of voice will be important in conveying the genuineness of his compliment/validation.
The depressed person’s “natural” response of escaping the situation and ruminating had zero chance of getting a positive reaction from his colleague. His alternative coping response has a better (although obviously not 100%) chance!
Maybe the depressed person’s compliment and validation of his colleague’s work will get a warm reaction from his colleague. Maybe it won’t, but its worth a shot. If the colleague has a tendency toward negativity, she might not respond warmly. Even if her outward response is neutral or dismissing, inwardly she might appreciate the compliment. The depressed person’s alternative coping response potentially both moves him closer to his goal of improving his relationships with his work colleagues, and is mood enhancing. It’s also good practice at relationship-enhancing behaviour.
Behaviour Tendencies When People are Depressed
When people are depressed, they often behave in ways that have very little chance of leading them to their important goals or helping them recover from depression. This is definitely NOT a criticism, its part of depression.
Understandably, people often base their actions on their current feelings. For example, when people feel unconfident, it feels good to shy away from others; When people feel tired, it’s easy to do little activity; When people feel irritable, it feels good to lash out verbally. [You probably don’t do these exact things, they’re just examples.]
Part of recovery from depression is establishing patterns of choosing behaviours based on “your goals for yourself” rather than your current feelings. This isn’t easy to do. It can seem overwhelming if you think of it as something you HAVE to do 100% of the time. However, it usually seems more manageable if you consider that in any one day they usually have countless moments where (usually unaware) you make micro decisions that are either in service of your goals for yourself or contribute to maintaining your depression*. If you practice watching out for these opportunities, sometimes you’ll find yourself able to make a choice in a particular moment that’s in service of the goals that are important to you and that’s anti-depressive. *By saying that people with depression do things that contribute to keeping them depressed isn’t a negative judgment of depressed people. It’s part of the vicious cycle of depression. It’s part of the disorder, not the person.
Often people think that once they feel better, they’ll act different. The strategy I’ve explained works the other way around. You act differently in order to move toward your goals (which eventually will improve your mood). Choosing to act in service of your goals for yourself might not feel as good as the depressive behaviour, or at least not initially. However, it should be fairly easy to see how over time an upward spiral will occur that will help lift you out of depression (if you’re depressed) and improve your life and happiness (even if you’re not depressed).
To start using this exercise, first I advise thinking of 2 or 3 of the important goals you have for yourself. These could be things like improving your relationship with your partner or becoming more active. Pick things that really are important to you.
Once you have these clear in your mind, try remembering back to yesterday and try to uncover the moments that provided opportunities when you could’ve made a choice that served one of your goals but instead you reacted based on how you felt at the time.
If you can think of situations in which you acted based on your feelings at the time but can’t think of an alternative coping response, one way of getting ideas is to ask other people for their ideas.
Once you’ve mentally scanned yesterday, try mentally scanning back over the rest of your past week for opportunities for alternative, anti-depressive coping. Remember to think about your “micro decisions,” those decisions you make in a split second when you’re in a particular moment.
Once you have ideas for alternative coping strategies you might try in future situations, you can dramatically increase your likelihood of actually doing these if you rehearse the alternative coping behaviour in detail (either by describing it verbally to someone else, mentally rehearsing it in your mind, or writing). Rehearse in detail what it would be like to do the alternative coping behaviour. For example, if you were going to take the stairs rather than the elevator, you would enter your building, turn right, see the elevator, glance at what floor it was on or see the doors open and people exiting it, turn away from the elevator, and start up the stairs, leading with your right foot. This might sound kooky or like too much effort, but you can trust the science that rehearsal will help.
Learning this strategy requires flexible thinking which is impaired when people are depressed. That’s why I recommend that if you think you’re depressed you try to learn this strategy with a psychology PhD rather than on your own. Another reason is that this strategy is part of a treatment program, which will be needed if you’re depressed, rather than just a single tool. If seeing a psychology PhD isn’t an option then self experimenting or buying the self help workbook (link below) are alternatives. If you find it too difficult to do on your own, please consider working with a psychology PhD. Your happiness and your goals are worth it!
Thanks for reading! I appreciate your time.
Behavioural Activation Therapist’s Manual
Depression in Context: Strategies for Guided Action
Behavioural Activation Self Help Workbook
Overcoming Depression One Step at a Time: The New Behavioural Activation Approach to Getting Your Life Back (New Harbinger Self-Help Workbook)
