What’s at the root of your argument?

Examples

1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it?

2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world?

3. Can I rely on you to come back and connect with me after you’ve been out doing your own thing?

4. Can I trust that you will respond with kindness if I share my deepest feelings & fears with you?

5. Can I trust that you will share your deepest feelings with me so I can truly connect with you?

6. Can I rely on you to work together to repair our bond when forgiveness is needed, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, or not been responsive to each other?

7. Can I rely on you to be interested in me, and that I can get your attention?

8. Can I rely on you to be interested in my perspective?

9. Can I rely on you to let me be my own independent person?

10. Can I rely on to see me in a positive light overall and as a person for worth?

11. Can I rely on you to do activities together that will generate positive emotions for us both and help us feel close?

12. Can I rely on you to be available to me for physical comfort and nurturing?

13. Can I rely on you to share tasks together?

14. Can I rely on you to not jeopardize my feelings of safety and security?

15. Can I rely on you that your needs will not be so great that there will be no room for my needs?

16. Can I rely on you to consider me in decisions that will affect me?

17. Can I rely on you to be faithful to me?

18. Can I rely on you to help me when I’m tired?

19. Can I rely on you not to abandon me?

20. Can I rely on you to work together when something needs to be sorted, rather than withdrawing or attacking me?

21. Can I rely on you to let me have the space to calm myself down when I need to do that?

22. Can I rely on you to see my attempts to connect, even when I don’t quite get it right i.e., not be rejecting?

23. Can I rely on you to know my buttons and to try not to press them, even when we’re talking about difficult topics?

Attachment Relationships Have Two Main Functions:

Secure Base = a base from which to explore and return back to.

Safe Haven = for comforting when you need it.

Can you see how the above two functions map onto many of the “Can I rely on you?” examples.

Read Another Post About: Relationships, Self Esteem

I’ve been getting lots of feedback that people like the visual learning tools.

Modeled on the Healthy Food Pyramid.

It’s a pdf. View or download it at the link below.

Healthy Emotion Regulation Strategies Pyramid

Now, it’s your turn to make your own

You probably have your own ideas and preferences for emotion regulation strategies that work for you personally (or that you need to remind yourself to use only sparingly).

Alternatively

Alternatively, just stick the one I made up on your wall somewhere and experiment with referring to it and seeing if it helps.

Read Another Post About: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Anxiety, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), Depression, Mindfulness

Have you ever wondered why couples talk baby talk to each other?

Its because evolution didn’t create a new system for bonding partners together, it just borrowed the system for bonding parents and children.

That’s why couples do a lot of the same things that parents/children do

e.g., baby talk, kissing, touching, eye gazing. Those things originally evolved because they helped encourage parents stay in close proximity to their child, helped the parent and child feel close, helped the child learn to talk etc.

If your relationship has gotten a bit stale and that lovin’ feeling needs to be revitalized, you can try the following.

Because the adult attachment system is borrowed from the parent-child attachment system, the things that people do to show love for their bubbies can also work for revitalizing the love between partners.

Examples

- Kissing

- Touching in a similar way to how parents touch children (e.g., I saw a Dad on the subway today who was touching his child’s feet while the child was sitting in her stroller).

- Playing

- Helping your partner when they are tired (e.g., just like a parent would carry a child when the child was tired, even though the child could walk)

- Helping your partner do something that they find difficult or frustrating.

- Providing comfort when something goes wrong for your partner.

- Giving your partner positive attention.

- Observing your partner with fascination and positive emotions – just like how new parents get super excited about observing their child’s behaviour.

Read Another Post About: Parenting, Relationships

View pdf here (It’s a diagram).

Read Another Post About: Relationships

Timing

If you’ve just done a task and you’re going to need to do it again at some future time point: write yourself a list of the steps required for doing the task. Since you’ve just done the steps, you will know what they were, and will then have this document available for next time.

Examples

- When you next get on a plane, write yourself a “Master Packing List”. You’ve just packed, so you will know what you packed. You could do the same to create a “Master List” for the other steps involved in going away e.g. arranging for someone to collect your mail. (Maybe take on one of these lists for your next trip, and do the other list when you take the trip after that).

- After you’ve done your tax return, write out the steps you used to get it done. Its likely to help you feel less intimidated next time, and you’ll be able to easily repeat your process.

- After you’ve learned how to do something on your computer, write yourself a list of instructions for how to do it next time. For example, after someone has just shown you how to do something on the computer, write down the steps so you don’t forget what you learnt.

Barriers?

The barrier to doing this is that you’re likely to feel tired after you’ve done a task, so you might need to plan to have the time/energy available for doing this the day after your deadline.

Want to let me know what you did?

As always, if you used the info from this post and want to let me know about it, you can leave post on the Facebook page or send me a tweet @DrAliceBoyes.

Read Another Post About: Procrastination