Sarah Sarah is a people-pleaser. When people ask her to do things or invite her places, never in a million years would it occur to her that she could say “no” even if she wanted to. Angela Angela never does anything for anyone. She sees herself as selfish and unlikable, and so she thinks “why...Read More →
Let’s think about a bear. A bear hibernates in winter to avoid the dangers of winter. Humans have evolved a similar mechanism. Sometimes when we sense a threat, our bodies respond by making us want to sleep a lot. This mechanism is based on the idea that if there is a threat, it might be...Read More →
This tip follows on from Friday's An Alternative to Willpower. I want to make sure I've explained the underlying principle really clearly.
You can create subtle changes in your behavior by...
Changing the external cues you encounter in your daily life, in a way that increases the probability of you doing the behavior you want to...Read More →
I'm currently doing a personal project of trying 30 new things in 30 days. The (short) story of how I got started with this project is a great example of why using willpower alone sucks as a self regulation strategy & how to use an alternative strategy. I had been thinking for AGES that trying some new...Read More →
Something you can easily try today... When you kiss your partner goodbye at the start of the day, or kiss them hello at the end of the day, linger a little bit longer with the kiss. Kiss them for 1-2 seconds longer than usual. ...Read More →
Rumination = the tendency to respond to distress by repetitively (and passively) focusing on the causes and consequences of your problems, without moving to active problem solving. Here's two questions I find help me: When I notice myself ruminating, in a very gentle & kind tone, I ask myself..... ...Read More →
Almost all of you reading this will have had an experience of having been in a romantic relationship that got less happy as time went on. What goes wrong? “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted...Read More →
I thought I’d do something I haven’t done before – open a post up for comments. This is my version of an exercise from Dr Kristin Neff’s book. The exercise is for helping you reduce the extent to which your feelings of self worth are contingent on being superior to others. Or, as Kristin puts...Read More →
What’s at the root of your argument? Relationship arguments tend to be fundamentally about versions of the question “Can I rely on you?” Examples 1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it? 2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world? 3. Can I rely...Read More →