Just launched my first “product” on my site. Its a 45 minute audio guide for getting started on Binge Eating Treatment. Cost is $5 USD. You’ll be able to download it and play it on your computer, or any mp3 player, immediately after completing your purchase. You Can Get it By Clicking This Link
If you like all the free stuff on my site, don’t worry, I like free stuff too, so most stuff will stay free.
Affiliate program coming soon.
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The Benefits of Non-Avoidant Coping Diary
This is a followup for people who have already done the Costs of Avoidance worksheet, and Avoidance and Suffering Diary, as outlined in the previous post here. If you’re a newer reader, you can easily go read that material and come back to this post. Make sure you click through to the pdf links in that post and read the suggested pages. Its only a short read, but you’ll need the background info.
DIY Experiment
Rather than focusing on the negative, this time lets focus on the positive.
For a week, try keeping a diary of each instance of non-avoidant coping that you do. Note that I don’t just mean overcoming procrastination.
The goal is to record each time you do a behaviour that is personally meaningful to you (consistent with your valued life directions, your valued directions for yourself and relationships), despite that enacting the behaviour stirs difficult thoughts, emotions, memories or physical sensations for you.
You can use the following columns.
1. Time, date, and location.
2. What you did.
3. What painful thoughts, emotions, memories, or sensations got stirred? Be as specific as you can.
4. What were the benefits to you in terms of health, vitality, relationship issues, getting unstuck, decreasing pain, time/money/energy, increased confidence etc?
There will be times when your non-avoidant coping fizzes and doesn’t seem to produce benefits. That’s cool – you at least found out that you could do it. You won’t have a 100% hit rate, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try the behaviour again or try it again a slightly different way.
5. Any additional notes you want to make.
Fill out your diary at the end of each day.
What types of things to record?
These are just a few examples.
- Times when you did your “most important task of the day” rather than getting distracted from that
- Times where you took care of yourself even when that felt effortful.
- Times when you communicated clearly even though you felt awkward.
- Times when you asked a question even though you felt awkward or anxious.
- Times when you did something in a moderate way that you would usually do in an all or nothing way.
- Times when you stuck with what you think is the right path for you even though a voice in your head was pulling you back towards old patterns (e.g. you did an alternative coping activity rather than binge eating)
- Times when you did something to improve closeness with an important person in your life, despite anxiety, lingering anger, or shame.
Includes…
Times when you didn’t wait for the other person to make the first move.
Times when you didn’t wait for your emotions/thoughts to change before taking action. For example, instead of waiting until you no longer feel angry, you acted to improve closeness. Action is often necessary to change thoughts and feelings, rather than passive waiting for your thoughts and feelings to change. For example, you instigated some romance with your partner even if you have fallen out of the habit.
- Times when you sought feedback even when you were anxious that it might be negative.
- Times when you did “top of the cliff” problem solving.
- Times when you broke an overwhelming task into smaller, more achievable chunks, and did one of the chunks.
- Times when you did a task in a reasonable way, rather than an excessively perfectionist way.
- Times when you took responsibility and got started on something you need to do but have been avoiding.
- Times when you changed your self talk. Try talking to yourself the way you’d talk to your child if they were having the same problem as you i.e. gentle and loving, but not permissive of unhealthy coping. For example, “you feel overwhelmed right now, but once you get started you’ll feel better.”
- Times when you acted “As if” you felt appropriately self confident, even if you don’t feel it yet. Again, knowing the principle that action is usually necessary to change thoughts and feelings.
- Times when you ticked something off your to do list to get yourself out of a mood funk, rather than waiting for your energy/motivation to increase before acting.
- Times when you took responsibility for basic self care. For example, you took breaks during the day, you didn’t work through lunch, you went outside to get some sunlight at morning tea or lunch, you left work on time, you did a pleasure activity (e.g. watched a favorite TV show), you exercised, you ate a salad, you went to sleep early, you had a day away from your computer, you did 20 slow breaths to reduce your physical tension when you noticed yourself tensing, you invested in your relationships. The difficult thoughts stirred might be things like “this isn’t as important as the other stuff I have to do”.
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Happiness: How to Cut Out the Middleman
Most of the time when people set goals, its because they expect that if they achieve that goal it will make them happier.
For example, you have a goal of earning more money > because you expect earning more money will make you happier.
The problem is that people lose sight of the fact their real goal is increasing their happiness. And, as a result people can end up pursuing their intermediate goals in ways that do not make sense.
A Holy Grail in Psychology?
Here’s a problem that research psychologists are trying to figure out solutions to.
Its called “Hedonic Adaptation.”
Research findings have shown that when good things happen to people, their increase in happiness is usually only temporary.
Let’s say you get a raise from $60,000 a year to $70,000. You’re likely to feel happier for awhile but then habituate to (get used to having) the extra money and revert back to your previous level of happiness.
This even happens when people get married. When people get married, the boost to happiness typically last about 2 years and then people slide back to their previous happiness level.
So, a holy grail is finding ways that people can increase their happiness in a sustained way.
Increasing your “Resting Happiness Rate”
The way I think about this is that an important goal is to help people find ways to increase their “resting happiness rate” – a word play on “resting heart rate” – meaning your baseline happiness level when nothing in particular is going right and nothing in particular is going wrong.
What I’m trying in my own life
I thought people might be interested in what I’m trying in my own life.
A few months ago I did a happiness tracking study (info here, free). As a result, I know what my average mood is (based on making 3 quick ratings a day, at random times, over a period of a month).
I’ve elected to take the happiness tracking study again in 6 months (this is one of the options you get when you complete the initial 30 days).
My current goal is to increase my “resting happiness rate” by 1/4 – 1/2 a point, on a 10 point scale. This is a modest goal but I am already pretty happy.
Another factor I’m considering in setting my goal is that I took the survey during early summer in New Zealand, so next time I take it will be in winter. I’m prone to seasonal affective symptoms in late fall/winter so even if I only maintain my summer mood level in winter, it would be an achievement.
Choosing Goals and Making Choices Based on Producing a Higher “Resting Happiness Rate”
Instead of thinking about goals in the usual way, I’m working on goals that are likely to DIRECTLY increase my resting happiness rate.
For example, my 30 day mindfulness meditation project. If you want to see how its going you can view my once-a-day update on the blog fan page on Facebook.
What are the Types of Activities that are Likely to Increase Your “Resting Happiness Rate”?
The best way to learn is probably by reading The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want
Some Good Happiness Strategies Include:
- physiologically calming down through regular exercise and/or mindfulness mindfulness.
- developing a mildly optimistic/positive thinking style. For example, through Cognitive Behavioural Therapy techniques or gratitude (there’s even an app for that)
- reducing sources of stress to the extent possible
I’d encourage you to also take a look at this list to start thinking more about the full spectrum of positive emotions you have an opportunity to cultivate in your life.
A Couple of Other Ways I’m Applying the “Resting Happiness Rate” Concept in my own life
- I’m keeping in mind my resting happiness rate goal when I make activity choices during the day.
I’m asking myself questions like
“Is this activity consistent with my increasing resting happiness rate goal, or isn’t it?”
“What activity choice would be most consistent with my resting happiness rate goal?”
“What way of approaching the activity I’m doing would be most consistent with my resting happiness rate goal?”
- I’m reevaluating some of my career related goals by asking myself questions about what effect achieving various different types of goals is likely to have on my resting happiness rate. This hasn’t resulted in my goals changing dramatically (so far!) but has resulted in quite a big shift in how I’m thinking about some of my goals and how best to pursue them. Just by shifting perspective, I’m finding some new ways to make both the process of achieving the goal and the objective of achieving the goal consistent with higher resting happiness.
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