Blog Posts Tagged "Relationships".

Here is a 1 min relationship communication skills tip that every couple should have in their tool kit.

If you are feeling both angry and a soft emotion (e.g., anxious, nervous, fearful, hurt, lonely, or embarrassed)

…label your soft emotions when you tell your partner about your feelings.

Example

“I felt a bit anxious and lonely when you said you didn’t want to talk to me the other night.”

Why This Works

Waking Up the Evolved Attachment and Caring System

Expressing soft emotions using one word emotion word labels tends to activate the other person’s evolved attachment and caring system.

Instead of…

Provoking the Evolved Fight/Flight/Freeze Response

Expressing anger tends to provoke the evolved fight/flight/freeze response in the other person. They either attack (fight), withdraw (flight), stonewall (freeze), or get defensive (a bit of both fight and flight).

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Some of the clients who come to see me for anxiety (who are often in good relationships) report not having had sex for a looong time (often years).

For example, people with panic disorder often avoid sex because the physical sensations feel too similar to panic (getting hot, heart racing, sweating, a sense of being out of control).

Interestingly, people with panic sometimes avoid showers too – because the heat of the shower, and maybe feeling a little bit lightheaded in the shower, feels similar to the triggers for panic.

Although avoiding physical sensations that are similar to anxiety is most pronounced in panic disorder, people with other kinds of anxiety often do this too. You might not even realize you are doing it but have noticed that you have stopped exercising and are avoiding sex.

Many times people don’t understand the connections sex and anxiety, and are surprised (and usually both relieved and embarrassed) when I know to ask these questions.

These connections become easily understandable once you know that one of the primary mechanisms of panic disorder is becoming hypervigilant to physical sensations.

When people with panic notice physical sensations, the noticing and monitoring triggers further arousal and the physical sensations increase in intensity, which can trip the panic attack wire. Therefore, people start to avoid things that trigger physical sensations e.g., sex, exercise.

After awhile, people’s avoidance of sex becomes self-perpetuating, because avoidance of anything increases anxiety about that thing. And, the lack of sex increases feelings of disconnection in the relationship.

Panic disorder and other anxiety disorders have good rates of treatment success with Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) so there is no reason to continue to suffer with the ways your anxiety gets in the way of your life and relationships. If you’re on a low income you can look at this option.

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When people think about how to improve a relationship, they typically think about how to decrease negative thoughts, emotions, and interactions. But, increasing positive thoughts, emotions and interactions, is at least as important for improving relationships as decreasing negativity.

The following example relates to couples but this advice could be applied to any close relationship.

To start improving your relationship, give a compliment that expresses either admiration or appreciation for your partner.

Admiration = Something you admire about your partner, or something you admire about how your partner acts in the world or in their relationships.

Appreciation = Appreciation for something your partner contributes to your family or in the world.

If your relationship is struggling, you could try turning the tide by doing this once a day for 7 days. Pick something new to compliment each day, and vary between admiration and appreciation. You could even brainstorm and write down a list of 7 now.

Why This Works

When couples can start to remember what they like and love about each other first, they’re much more likely to be able to later constructively work together on decreasing negative communication. Approaching things in this order is the most effective strategy for how to improve relationships.

Observe what compliments your partner responds to the best (e.g., you might notice that your partner beams when you compliment what a close relationship they have with their Mom).

Participate

I’m going to open up comments below so people can contribute their ideas about what compliments they could give their partner that express either admiration or appreciation (please stay on topic in the comments). Hopefully, this will help stimulate ideas for other people, so if you have ideas please chip in. (The comments form only appears on the single post view page and not the /blog/ page or the /tag/ pages. If you don’t see the comment box when you scroll down the page, use this link for the single post view – How to Improve a Relationship). Alternatively, you can communicate your compliment idea on the Facebook page.

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