1 Minute Relationship Enhancement: Tip for Aug 4, 2011.
Something you can easily try today…..
When you kiss your partner goodbye at the start of the day, or kiss them hello at the end of the day, linger a little bit longer with the kiss. Kiss them for 1-2 seconds longer than usual.
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Almost all of you reading this will have had an experience of having been in a romantic relationship that got less happy as time went on.
What goes wrong?
“When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness, according to a landmark study by Ted Huston of the University of Texas. Indeed the lack of emotional responsiveness, rather than the level of conflict, is the best predictor of how solid a marriage will be 5 years into it. The demise of marriages begins with a growing absence of responsive intimate interactions. The conflict comes later.” This quote comes from the book Hold Me Tight by Professor Sue Johnson
There’s a study I particularly like that provides further insight into how to keep the lovin’ feeling.
The researchers studied “approach” and “avoidance” motivations in couples.
Approach motivations were measured using questions like:
Over the course of the next semester
- “I will be trying to deepen my relationship with my
romantic partner”
- “I will be trying to move toward growth and
development in my romantic relationship”.
Avoidance motivations were measured by questions like
- “I will be trying to avoid disagreements
and conflicts with my romantic partner”
- “I will be trying to make sure that nothing bad happens in my romantic
relationship”
Questions were asked using 7-point scales ranging from 1 strongly disagree to 7 strongly agree.
The reseachers found that relationship quality improved over time when both partners were high in approach motivations, but people got less happy over time if they were in a relationship with a partner who was mostly motivated by avoidance goals.
Not only were approach goals associated with higher relationship satisfaction, they were also associated with the people in the relationship experiencing more positive emotions, and greater relationship responsiveness (understanding, validating, and caring). It wasn’t just the people in the relationship that rated their relationship better. The resarchers also had couples come into the lab and have a videotaped discussion, and had independent observers code how satisfied and responsive the couple behaved. Couples in which the partners had approach goals were rated by these outsiders as more satisfied and responsive.
Take Home Message
When you have interactions with your partner, even if you’re talking about a difficult conversation topic, focus on “approach goals” like trying to deepen your relationship with your partner or trying to move toward growth and development in your romantic relationship, rather than your main motivation being trying to avoid disagreement.
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What’s at the root of your argument?
Relationship arguments tend to be fundamentally about versions of the question “Can I rely on you?”
Examples
1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it?
2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world?
3. Can I rely on you to come back and connect with me after you’ve been out doing your own thing?
4. Can I trust that you will respond with kindness if I share my deepest feelings & fears with you?
5. Can I trust that you will share your deepest feelings with me so I can truly connect with you?
6. Can I rely on you to work together to repair our bond when forgiveness is needed, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, or not been responsive to each other?
7. Can I rely on you to be interested in me, and that I can get your attention?
8. Can I rely on you to be interested in my perspective?
9. Can I rely on you to let me be my own independent person?
10. Can I rely on to see me in a positive light overall and as a person for worth?
11. Can I rely on you to do activities together that will generate positive emotions for us both and help us feel close?
12. Can I rely on you to be available to me for physical comfort and nurturing?
13. Can I rely on you to share tasks together?
14. Can I rely on you to not jeopardize my feelings of safety and security?
15. Can I rely on you that your needs will not be so great that there will be no room for my needs?
16. Can I rely on you to consider me in decisions that will affect me?
17. Can I rely on you to be faithful to me?
18. Can I rely on you to help me when I’m tired?
19. Can I rely on you not to abandon me?
20. Can I rely on you to work together when something needs to be sorted, rather than withdrawing or attacking me?
21. Can I rely on you to let me have the space to calm myself down when I need to do that?
22. Can I rely on you to see my attempts to connect, even when I don’t quite get it right i.e., not be rejecting?
23. Can I rely on you to know my buttons and to try not to press them, even when we’re talking about difficult topics?
Attachment Relationships Have Two Main Functions:
Secure Base = a base from which to explore and return back to.
Safe Haven = for comforting when you need it.
Can you see how the above two functions map onto many of the “Can I rely on you?” examples.
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