Blog Posts Tagged "Self Esteem".

What’s at the root of your argument?

Examples

1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it?

2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world?

3. Can I rely on you to come back and connect with me after you’ve been out doing your own thing?

4. Can I trust that you will respond with kindness if I share my deepest feelings & fears with you?

5. Can I trust that you will share your deepest feelings with me so I can truly connect with you?

6. Can I rely on you to work together to repair our bond when forgiveness is needed, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, or not been responsive to each other?

7. Can I rely on you to be interested in me, and that I can get your attention?

8. Can I rely on you to be interested in my perspective?

9. Can I rely on you to let me be my own independent person?

10. Can I rely on to see me in a positive light overall and as a person for worth?

11. Can I rely on you to do activities together that will generate positive emotions for us both and help us feel close?

12. Can I rely on you to be available to me for physical comfort and nurturing?

13. Can I rely on you to share tasks together?

14. Can I rely on you to not jeopardize my feelings of safety and security?

15. Can I rely on you that your needs will not be so great that there will be no room for my needs?

16. Can I rely on you to consider me in decisions that will affect me?

17. Can I rely on you to be faithful to me?

18. Can I rely on you to help me when I’m tired?

19. Can I rely on you not to abandon me?

20. Can I rely on you to work together when something needs to be sorted, rather than withdrawing or attacking me?

21. Can I rely on you to let me have the space to calm myself down when I need to do that?

22. Can I rely on you to see my attempts to connect, even when I don’t quite get it right i.e., not be rejecting?

23. Can I rely on you to know my buttons and to try not to press them, even when we’re talking about difficult topics?

Attachment Relationships Have Two Main Functions:

Secure Base = a base from which to explore and return back to.

Safe Haven = for comforting when you need it.

Can you see how the above two functions map onto many of the “Can I rely on you?” examples.

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Research into the psychological benefits of self-compassion is an emerging trend in psychology. I actually prefer the term self kindness.

Self-compassion is about learning alternative responses when you are experiencing psychological suffering (suffering includes when you’re feeling frustrated, anxious, or when you’re feeling disconnected from other people etc), rather than using self-criticism.

Online Self-Compassion Test

You can take an online test of your self-compassion here at self-compassion.org

The test auto scores.

If you want to work on self-compassion, you might choose to take the test now, and then set yourself a calendar reminder to retake the self-compassion test in 1, 3, 6, 9, and 12 months time. Record your answers and observe changes.

For Parents

A generation ago, parenting advice seemed to focus on raising high self esteem children. After that, came a focus on mindful parenting and raising mindful children.

Now it seems like a focus on raising self-compassionate kids might be the next big thing.

Compassion and mindfulness are closely linked since mindfulness is needed to notice your own and others’ psychological suffering, and to recognize how you are responding to yourself/others (with criticism or with kindness) and its effects.

Is self compassion linked to self esteem? Self compassion is more closely linked to the self worth aspect of self esteem than the aspect of self esteem that is about being good at things, or being better than average.

(Self esteem that is hinged on being better than average is a recipe for trouble, because by definition the majority of people are average or worse in terms of any one attribute).

Self Compassion tends to lead to more skillful responding to yourself and the world

People worry that self-kindness will cause them to become lazy or dysregulated, but its more likely to do the opposite. If you have been trying self criticism as a way of regulating your behaviour, then its time to try something else.

Self Compassion Research

This is an interesting study. You can view it free online.

It’s about how self compassion buffers people against the stress of negative events.

The authors conclude “In general, these studies suggest that self-compassion attenuates people’s reactions to negative events in ways that are distinct from and, in some cases, more beneficial than self-esteem.”

Self-compassion helps people feel more connected to others and tends to lead to more pro-social behaviour.

In other words – it is the opposite of selfish!

Dr Kristin Neff’s book about Self Compassion

The author of the website I have linked to, Dr Kristin Neff, had a book on Self Compassion published in April.

Another good self compassion book is

New 30 day Project where I practice what I preach (Update: Now finished and I’m on to a new 30 Day Project.)

My next personal 30 day project is going to be 30 days of self-compassion. You can see what I’m up to on my blog Facebook page. You can also participate if you want.

My life is in good shape so the emotions I need to have self-compassion about are likely to be minor and might seem a bit silly to be mentioning, but I still expect the project to have an effect in helping smooth out anxiety spikes and helping me choose skillful responses. I’m going to use the month to practice the skill of self-compassion and see what happens. Do join if you feel interested/curious about what might happen if you start to notice and change your self-critical responses.

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This is a technique I use in sessions with clients that you can try yourself.

Imagine back to a situation in which you needed an adult to be responsive to you and they weren’t.

It needn’t have been a major trauma, just an incident that was important to you. (Note that, I don’t use this particular version of this technique for major abuse situations). Pick a very specific incident e.g. when you were 8 and…..

Set up two chairs, either facing each other or almost facing each other (at right angles is fine).

Sit in one chair. The other chair should be empty.

To start, you are going to be you – the young version of you that was involved in the incident at the time.

Direct your speech at the empty chair and say whatever it was you think you wouldn’t wanted to say at the time if you could’ve freely spoken your mind and expressed all of what you were experiencing.

You might need to have a couple of goes at this. Try saying something. Get a sense of how it felt to say that. Then have another go. Keep directing your speech in the direction of the empty chair as if you were speaking as little you and the adult involved in the situation was sitting in the empty chair.

Doing 2-4 “takes” doesn’t mean you did anything wrong any of the times, its just an opportunity to try out different speech. I find it helps clients get out all of what they might’ve wanted to say. Use your voice rather than just think about it.

Next get up and go sit in the other chair, now you’re going to be the adult who didn’t respond to you in the way you needed at the time.

Speak back to little you, respond to what little you just said in the way the adult would’ve responded if they had been perfectly responsive. Again, you can have a couple of goes at this if you want to try out different things. It doesn’t matter if you can’t imagine the adult ever doing the behaviour you’re role playing. This helps establish what the right response would’ve been, even if there is no way it would’ve actually happened.

At minimum, the responsive adult should acknowledge little you’s feelings rather than being dismissive of those feelings.

If you don’t want to imagine a specific person (e.g. your Dad) you can alternatively play a generic figure (e.g. a generic father figure) when you’re sitting in the second chair (or generic mother figure, or generic teacher figure).

Sometimes clients place a soft toy on the first chair to represent themselves while they are occupying the second chair. We have a cute little owl soft toy in our office that works well for this.

Lastly, go sit back in your original chair and and allow yourself to experience what it felt like to be ideally responded to.

Note that, it doesn’t matter how small the incident was. Any memories that have stuck with you might be good candidates for this technique.

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