Trust in Relationships

By Alice Boyes, PhD. | Uncategorized

What’s at the root of your argument?

Relationship arguments tend to be fundamentally about versions of the question “Can I rely on you?”

Examples

1. Can I rely on you to comfort me effectively when I need it?

2. Can I rely on you to support my exploration in the world?

3. Can I rely on you to come back and connect with me after you’ve been out doing your own thing?

4. Can I trust that you will respond with kindness if I share my deepest feelings & fears with you?

5. Can I trust that you will share your deepest feelings with me so I can truly connect with you?

6. Can I rely on you to work together to repair our bond when forgiveness is needed, we’ve hurt each other’s feelings, or not been responsive to each other?

7. Can I rely on you to be interested in me, and that I can get your attention?

8. Can I rely on you to be interested in my perspective?

9. Can I rely on you to let me be my own independent person?

10. Can I rely on to see me in a positive light overall and as a person for worth?

11. Can I rely on you to do activities together that will generate positive emotions for us both and help us feel close?

12. Can I rely on you to be available to me for physical comfort and nurturing?

13. Can I rely on you to share tasks together?

14. Can I rely on you to not jeopardize my feelings of safety and security?

15. Can I rely on you that your needs will not be so great that there will be no room for my needs?

16. Can I rely on you to consider me in decisions that will affect me?

17. Can I rely on you to be faithful to me?

18. Can I rely on you to help me when I’m tired?

19. Can I rely on you not to abandon me?

20. Can I rely on you to work together when something needs to be sorted, rather than withdrawing or attacking me?

21. Can I rely on you to let me have the space to calm myself down when I need to do that?

22. Can I rely on you to see my attempts to connect, even when I don’t quite get it right i.e., not be rejecting?

23. Can I rely on you to know my buttons and to try not to press them, even when we’re talking about difficult topics?

Attachment Relationships Have Two Main Functions:

Secure Base = a base from which to explore and return back to.

Safe Haven = for comforting when you need it.

Can you see how the above two functions map onto many of the “Can I rely on you?” examples.

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